It’s so hard for people to realize that you can’t just snap out of depression.  I’ve been told so many times by people to just “wake up” or “force a smile for God’s sake, things can’t be that bad!” I don’t even want to argue with them anymore.  So I just smirk, nod and stare at the ground and think horrible things like “I just want to take an entire bottle of pills and stop hurting or hang myself in the garage so I don’t have to listen to people like you anymore telling me ’shit can’t be that bad’ because you know what?  IT CAN AND IT IS!” I swear empathy doesn’t exist anymore.  Everyone just wants to offer a quick fix but trust me, there isn’t one.  There is absolutely nothing on earth you can say or do that will make me “snap out of it” and realize that I’m “just being silly’” or “too self-absorbed.”

I’ll stay in bed all day.  And I really do mean that.  An entire 16 hours will pass before I can even peel myself up off the sheets only to sit for another 45 minutes on the edge of the bed before taking my first step out of my room.  My joints burn due to the fact that they’ve been in the same position hours on end so I can’t help but hunch over and spend the rest of the day in a state of bad posture.  My brain sloshes around inside my skull, obviously turning to soup because I don’t think or move for many hours.  And the headaches.  I’ll have to take Clonazepam some nights to get me to sleep some nights or to stop me from crying.  Anything that makes me pass out is a good thing because then I don’t have to think anymore.  I can just dream and that giant lump in my throat will slowly shrink in size and disappear.  Lately I’ve noticed there are nights where I must cry in my sleep because I awake with swollen lips and eyes and dried tears all over my face.  I’ll quietly get up, change the pillow cases, and then try to fall back asleep.

Poor Toby will sit at the end of my bed for hours wondering when I’m going to get up.  That’s what really kills me.  I’ll be so down and sad, I can’t even get up to let my dog out.  When I finally do, it takes every bit of energy my body can summon to walk up ten steps out of the basement.  By the time I get to the top, I have to sit down for five minutes just to collect a little more energy to continue the walk to the back door to let him outside.  Once I get him fed and make sure he’s pooped and peed, I slither back down to my room and throw myself back onto the bed.  I find some sort of covers, throw them over my face, and disappear back into a darkness I can’t even begin to describe.  Toby knows something is wrong and scurries back downstairs to cuddle up next to my head.  I know the poor thing is probably wanting me to get up and play with him but he forces himself to fall back asleep with me just because it’s the only activity I can manage to do without feeling exhausted.  And I know that he can feel the darkness inside of me and doesn’t know what else to do.  Right now Toby really is the only thing keeping me alive.  It’s sad but very true.

I was supposed to make a phone call today to my college regarding me not attending classes this fall.  I couldn’t manage to make that call – a call I should have made months ago.  But I literally cannot find the strength in me to dial the number and talk to the person on the other end of the line.  It takes too much energy and mental will power that I just do not have.  You might as well ask me to climb Mount Everest – it just won’t happen.  And it’s worse when it comes to my family.  My poor mother will call me every now and then and trying not to burst into tears on the phone with her is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a long time.  What I really want to say to her is “No mom, I am not doing ok.  Everyday I’m amazed that I’m still here; that I’m still fucking breathing.  I am lonely as shit, I hate myself most days, and I hate opening my eyes in the morning because it hurts.  It physically causes me pain.  And I fucking hate it and I wish it was over with.  I wish *I* was over with.  I wish I was with dad because for once in my life, I know what he must have felt the day he killed himself – complete fucking despair and hopelessness.” But there is no way I can tell my elderly mother this (who worries about everything).  How can I put that burden on someone else?

I can’t stand talking to people when I’m this depressed.  There is nothing they have to say that will interest me or make me smile (I mean genuinely smile, not fake it).  Sometimes after forcing myself to listen to someone ramble on about God knows what, I get the fierce urge to vomit.  I just can’t take it and sometimes I’ll have to excuse myself to the bathroom and just lock myself in a stall for a minute or two and try to calm myself down.  I don’t care, I just really do not fucking care.  Shut up.  I would rather stare at this disgusting toilet than listen to you talk right now.  If that makes me a bad person, then so be it.

I’ve been off and on medications for years now and the most common question people ask me is “why don’t you just get on some antidepressants?” Well, first and foremost, I have tried some various medications that HAVE worked.  However, when I say “worked,” I mean they completely managed to shut off most of my emotions in general and turned me into a zombie.  I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t form sentences, I sounded like a babbling idiot, and more often than not people would tell me that something was missing from my eyes; some sort of spark.  Sometimes I couldn’t even walk because my head would be spinning so bad from those damn pills and I’d have to stop for a second to compose myself.  This, in my opinion, was no way to live.  My grades suffered tremendously because I couldn’t understand anything that was being placed in front of me.  These medications made me stupid and I felt like I needed a person by my side at all times to help me make the simplest of decisions.  I can’t take these pills anymore and yet, it never fails – someone always tries to recommend a new medication to me.  “Well, have you tried this?  It works for me.” Yes.  Yes, I have tried it.  I have tried them all.  Wellbutrin, Effexor, Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac… the list goes on and on.  In fact, just thinking about how many different types of drugs I have pumped into my system the past few years makes me sick to my stomach.  Antidepressants obviously work wonders for some people, don’t get me wrong.  I’m just not one of them.  It’s any wonder my brain is able to function anymore. But, having said that, I honestly think I might have to get back on them eventually. For how long, who knows. There are just some dark periods I experience that literally feel like they’re killing me (and they probably are).

So what am I depressed about?  Joel, life, school, life, money, life, a job, life.  Myself.  Others.  My failures.  My weaknesses.  My overdue bills.  The trash piling up in my room.  My weight gain.  My weight loss.  My hair.  My skin.  Not having food to eat.  Not eating at all.  Not having a life like normal people.  Everything.  Nothing.  It’s the hardest thing in the world to describe.

…but then there’s the mania.  And that’s when life is fine.

That will be my next blog entry… when I’m actually experiencing it.  Because right now, I’m obviously not.

However, there is sweetness.  Mania wraps me in her promises of grandeur.  Eating crabs as snack food, I live & smile / helpless?  never / a sinful smile across swollen lips; glowing lights like bright sand on an undiscovered beach are now the keepers of my sanity / realizing there are taboo acts in which I wish to safely participate / writing poetry again – the scorpion has been placed before me / “God, I’d give anything to be as pretty as you, young one” :: “why, thank you… and thank you for the green beans” / bronzed clouds, a rabid {biting} jackal, a peaceful resolution all my own, perhaps a figment of my imagination but it still feels real / erotic motives approached by Venus, my salmon colored preacher / my father (thanks for this gift, dad).

And I am still breathing.  Here is my electricity; back and free of venom.  Maybe I’ve discovered quite a lovely antidote.

Let it remain, celestial protector.

1.  Design layout
2.  Update WordPress
3.  Update Plugins
4.  Integrate layout with WordPress coding
5.  Post beautiful things for you to enjoy

How is everyone?

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But before I do, I have a hostee! Recognize her writing style? ;) Some of you might!

So yeah, back to this school business. I am seriously screwing myself over this semester because I have missed so many classes. I’ve been battling some pretty harsh depression and I just can’t force myself out of bed some days. And then I just miss the entire day and it blows. I kick myself in the ass every time I do it but I can’t seem to break the habit. The alarm goes off 90 times and it just never knocks any sense in my head. I know I need to get up and go to class but I have no drive. :( Boo.

Next semester cannot be like this. Not again.

You guys need to go to the “About” page and submit some questions to me. I hate writing bios so I just set up the FAQ so people could ask me what they want to know. So send me some questions, please!

I need to find the USB cable for my camera so I can upload some more pictures to my Flickr.

Um… that’s all for now, I guess. Shit, awkward… I forgot how to blog about anything interesting! Gimme time, it’ll come back to me.

Oh yeah. I’m also working on some layout crap so this site won’t look so boring.

Oi. Staring the Insanity workout soon with Joel.

On another note, I am so glad you guys are leaving comments! I’m finding a lot of people again on here and it’s awesome. If you guys know where a lot of “the original bloggers” went, let me know!

And whoa! I’m bringing the webcam back? Eh, yes and no. I definitely do not consider myself a “camgirl” anymore and for those of you who remember me from 5ilver/Voxura, those days are long gone. This new cam is more or less for fun, won’t be updated very often, will never be on a live feed, and won’t ever show any sort of nudity. Sorry. I just wanted to get that out of the way before anyone asked.

Most of you already know what I’ve been up to lately. Still in school, only a few semesters away from my bachelors degree in biology. After that I still plan on applying to med school (although I’m scared shitless). School has taken me forever and there are times I really wish I would have started college right out of high school. But if I had, I doubt I’d be on the path I am now so oh well.

Enough about me for now, what else has everyone else been up to? There are a lot of you out there I need to catch up with. Post a comment, say hi, let me know you’re still around!

Oh, and click on the “About” page and submit some questions to me. I am so beyond sick of writing silly biographies about myself so how about y’all ask the questions and I’ll just answer them. Thanks! More content is on the way as well and if anyone reading this has their own blog/personal website they want me to link, let me know.